we make it out alive
by paregmenon
Summary: But Bucky and Natasha have always been Bucky-and-Natasha, and they're more than family. They're a living organism, a half of a whole, and she won't be able to breathe without him. [bucky/nat; twins au.]


**contains: twincest**

* * *

11.

"What planet are you even from, Romanov? Because it sure as hell can't be here, because otherwise you wouldn't be so stupid as to have withheld information about someone as dangerous as the Winter Soldier."

Natasha says nothing as Fury talks.

"With all due respect, sir," she says. "I don't think anyone would give over information about their family if they believed any harm would come to them."

Hill blinks at her. "You said that you were involved, not related." A pause, before Hill leans forward and rests her face on her hands. "How long?"

"Seventy years, give or take."

Fury stares at her. "Your file says you were born in 1983."

"No, sir. We were born in 1928," she corrects.

.

10.

Steve wakes up in 2012 and looks exactly the same as he did in the newsreels she saw of him in the 40s, the same as the newspaper clippings she still has of him.

"God damn it, Rogers, you were supposed to be back at the end of the war, not seventy years later," she says when she first sees him. "But I guess I shouldn't have expected any less from you without Bucky."

He stares at her. "Nat?"

Natasha raises an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Natasha, what year is it?" and he seems so lost that she can't help but feel sorry for him now, can't help but think of Bucky and all the years they lost.

"2012," she says, and she holds his hand, says, "We're okay, Steve. We're okay."

He pulls away from her suddenly. "Bucky-"

"Is currently being an ass at home, and freezing, because someone forgot to pay the bills on time," Natasha says, smiling slightly.

"It must be the old age," Steve laughs, and yeah, they'll be okay.

.

9.

Natasha doesn't find out that SHIELD has found Captain America until two days after the fact, when she gets a text in the middle of making nice to a potential asset in Berlin, in a terrible bar over even worse wine. She smiles at her target, says, "Sorry, family emergency," in perfect German, and leaves quickly.

There is a SHIELD agent waiting for her in their hotel room, but who wasn't waiting for her to say, "I can't finish this mission," because yes, she's a professional, but this is Steve, this is her family, this is the heart of them.

"Agent Romanov, is there a problem?" the agent asks, aiming for I am your superior and falling at please be nice to me.

"Family emergency," Natasha says.

He wasn't expecting that. "I've read your file, you don't have a family."

"If you would like to survive in SHIELD, agent, you won't say that again." Icy. I am the Black Widow and you will not like me when I am is not someone you should cross when you are starting a career.

Sanders begins to say something, looks at her, and stops. He nods, and picks up his cell phone. "I'll inform the director that you are unable to complete th-"

"It wasn't going to work, anyway," she says. "He's too invested in his company to join SHIELD. Tell Fury that next time the recon should be more thorough."

The plane back home is silent. Natasha stares at her phone, while Agent Sanders fills out paperwork, and neither of them talk.

.

8.

He is sent after her, years later.

"Traitor," he says. "You owe your life to the Red Room, you owe your allegiance to Russia."

"The only people I owe are at SHIELD," she says.

Several good kicks to the head can cure many things.

"Morning, gorgeous," Bucky says, and she lifts her foot from his chest.

"Welcome back," she says.

Bucky stands, and watches her closely. "What did I do?"

"I'm sorry," she says.

.

7.

This is what their training is: Natasha is angry, the Winter Soldier is nearly always perfectly calm. Perfectly neutral towards her. Natasha throws punches, kicks and spins and fights harder than she ever did with previous trainers. This is what she did with Bucky everywhere from Moscow to Brooklyn. This is how she fell a little in love with him, with his eyes flashing and blood in his mouth, blood on his hands that wasn't his.

"Your form is sloppy," he says before getting a foot between her legs and bringing her down, hard and fast.

She twists beneath him, a leg around his hips, and hands around his neck. If she closes her eyes she could pretend that it's Bucky, and that in a moment, he will kiss her, and laugh as he grinds against her.

The Winter Soldier is nothing like Bucky.

Bucky didn't fight to win, told terrible jokes, and hated sleeping alone.

The Winter Soldier hates losing, is always trying to find her weak points, to bring her down and win, probably doesn't sleep, and doesn't crack jokes around her.

The Winter Soldier is fearless.

(It is in France, she thinks, that he starts to remember - when he kisses her for the first time as the Winter Soldier, and calls her Natasha. When he blinks, and looks confused.)

.

6.

The thing about the Red Room is, you can never escape it for long.

(The thing about the Red Room is, you can never escape.)

.

They give her guns, and she smiles at them sweetly, and disassembles and reassembles them in record time.

They give her wires, and knives, and pens, and she smiles and thinks about nothing. Her hands aren't cold anymore.

.

It is 1950 and Bucky has been dead for six years.

It is 1950 and she is introduced to her new trainer.

"Natalia, this is Comrade Winter Soldier," the General says.

Comrade Winter Soldier looks at her and says nothing.

.

5.

Captain America dies and they win the war. That's how she was told. Her neighbour, an elderly man who smiles too widely at her, and who knows that she keeps up with the news like all women with someone away do, stops her in the hall and asks if she's heard. Heard what?

"Captain America died, dear," he says, and he sounds like he wants to be sad but he can't. "But we've won the war."

She forces a smile on her face, says "At least our troops can come home now," and she knows that Bucky won't be coming home, because Natasha knows Bucky as well as if not better than she knows herself, knows that she would fight to the death to defend her own, and that he would do the same.

Steve is gone, so Bucky must be gone, too.

She would feel sad, if she could, but she feels nothing

.

4.

"There's a war on," Bucky yells. "I have to go."

"No, you don't," Natasha screams. "You're not American, they probably won't even want you, we're the enemy."

"They don't know that," he says.

Bucky and Natasha don't argue, they wage war against the other, battles in the kitchen and the living room and the bedroom, smashed glass in the bathroom, and knives in the walls.

"And what about me?" she bites out, and she doesn't look at him, because that would be a weakness. You should not rely on people. You should not need people.

But Bucky and Natasha have always been Bucky-and-Natasha, and they're more than family. They're a living organism, a half of a whole, and she won't be able to breathe without him.

This is not a healthy relationship. This is not a safe relationship

They curl together at night, legs tangled and Natasha's face buried in his neck, his hand in her hair. They don't say anything.

.

Steve becomes Captain America and is finally bigger than Natasha.

Bucky doesn't leave the apartment the day before they ship out, and neither of them mention the tear tracks on Natasha's face, or how Bucky held her too tightly, or how she was more desperate than usual.

They fuck in silence, and Natasha wakes up alone.

.

3.

"Good day, sweetheart?" Bucky asks. Natasha is lying on the floor, reading. She ignores him, rolls to her feet and makes her way to the kitchen.

She's making herself dinner when Bucky winds his arms around her waist, says,"I'm going to take that as a no, then," before kissing her neck.

She leans against the kitchen table as he drops to his knees and pushes up her skirt. "If you get those pants dirty, I'm not washing them for you," she says. His fingers leave bruises on her hips and thighs as she spreads her legs and he licks up into her, but her complaints are breathy moans and Russian curses, so he counts that as a win.

"Я люблю тебя," he says, and she kisses him, murmurs, "Я тоже люблю тебя, брат."

It isn't until later that he sees that the knives are sharpened, and the guns cleaner, and he says nothing about how she checks any possible entrances and exits in the rooms.

"They won't find us," he says. "I promise."

"You can't promise that," she says, and turns the radio on.

.

2.

It's their birthday in the middle of winter, and they press close together in the early hours of the morning, thin blankets not enough to warm them.

They're fifteen, when Natasha keeps her eyes open as she presses her lips against his.

Bucky jerks back. "What?"

"I love you, Bucky," Natasha says.

"Love you too, Nat," he says, and that's all that needs to be said.

They're twins, yes, brother and sister, but that doesn't mean they can't love each other - and really, who else would?

Everything she has is his, and everything he has is hers. There is no divide. There is no Bucky's and Natasha's, nothing but Bucky-and-Nat, Nat-and-Bucky.

.

1.

She's twelve when she meets Steve for the first time. He's a little older than her and he smiles like there's nothing wrong in the world, but she's taller than him, and she smiles at him, and says nothing.

He doesn't know who she is, but Bucky says she's cool, so that's that.

They are young and think themselves invincible, as all children do, as they were taught not to, and don't know how to walk away from a fight until it is too late. Steve's face is bloody, and Bucky is reasonably certain his fingers aren't broken.

Natasha glares at Bucky until he sighs and sits down.

Steve laughs when Bucky leans away from her hands, says, "Let her help you, Buck - it's not like she could do more damage," and laughs even more when Natasha takes no pity on his friend. She tells him he should know better by now. Bucky says nothing, until she pulls the glass from his cheek.

"Ow, Nat," he winces.

"If you didn't get into stupid fights then you wouldn't get stupid injuries to your stupid face." Natasha is always calm. Natasha is always angry when he's like this. Bucky looks afraid for a brief moment, then tries to grin.

Bucky holds Steve up for most of the walk home.

.

0.

"Your name is Natasha," he tells her quietly and in English, when they are all of eleven and hiding on a boat. "You are Natasha Barnes."

"I am Natasha Barnes," she repeats back at him. "Dmitri -"

"James," he says and his tone invites no argument or debate. "I am James."

.

* * *

Я люблю тебя - I love you  
Я тоже люблю тебя, брат - I love you too, brother


End file.
